Always the Last to Bed

It happened again. I tucked everyone in, pushed the laundry, did the dishes, washed my face and sat down to play Wordle and check Tik Tok. Bam, suddenly it’s midnight. But I didn’t reframe that shadow box with the concert tickets and photos from last summer, I still wanted to wrap my brothers birthday gift and I think I forgot to change the dog water. So I get up and do all that stuff (minus the reframing, I didn’t have time to hit Hobby Lobby today, put on mental list for tomorrow), and suddenly I find myself turning on Inventing Anna. Just one episode! Can’t hurt. I grab a glass of wine. Why not. Even though it’s a Tuesday night and now 12:30am, it’s my one chance to watch this show uninterrupted.

Alright who can watch just one episode? One episode turns into two and suddenly it’s way too late and I feel guilty. Guilty because I know in the morning when my alarm goes off to get up at 6 and get ready for work, make lunches and take the kids to school, I will be EXHAUSTED! Why do I do this to myself? It’s like torture. But I felt so free and relaxed, sitting on the comfy couch watching the show all by myself. And now I feel pretty normal comparing myself to how f’d up Anna is.

The problem is after everyone goes to bed I feel paralyzed because there’s so much to do. I’m free to do what I want- it’s like the flood gates are open and I have to decide what to do next- I could be writing in my journal, reading my book, creating a Shutterfly book, calling a long distance friend on the phone, planning meals for the week. There’s always a list a mile long and sometimes it’s all a little too overwhelming. Sometimes I just sit in the living room and stare into space for a bit. Empty space. I think that’s what I’m craving, not so much alone time, but empty space where I can think.

Don’t get me wrong I love every minute with my kids and I even like my job. I have very full and fulfilling days. But late at night I crave silence. Crave thinking my own thoughts, and doing something mindless that allows my mind to wander. Our days are full and our minds are full. Moms need a mental break, a time out every day. After midnight is my time out. I’m sure I’m not the only one. If you’ve ever been to Great Wolf Lodge, you might have seen they have an after “bedtime” delivery of wine and chocolate. Genius!! certainly a Mom thought of this. But I delivery stops at 11pm. An hour too short. Not quite, Wolf Pack. Try delivery fill 2am! Now we’re talking! I mean and after chasing two kids around a water park, this Moms are definitely up at midnight staring into space thinking about their lists and possibly even reading this blog…I hear you. I see you! We are always the last to go to bed! And I’m here to tell you that’s ok. You’re ok. We’re ok. Goodnight