Always the Last to Bed

If you know me, you know I am not a drama queen. I mean I can freak out now and then but generally, I’m not a drama queen. I actually married a drama queen (sorry honey), so I have to be the calm one. But since I moved my oldest and first born to college recently, I am feeling like the biggest craziest drama queen.

After dropping her off and especially on the ride home – the worrying started. Like weird shit I would never worry about. Her bed is lofted. What if she falls off the bed onto the floor while sleeping and hits her head? The first day of classes I found myself going to Life 360 to see if she was finding her classes ok. At night, I’d lay awake wondering if she was able to fall asleep with her new roommate, a complete stranger (and super sweet girl), within 3 feet of her. Then the 2nd week of classes came and she became ill. She called me about how to take her temperature, how much ibuprofen to take, and called in the middle of the night when her throat was swollen shut and she couldn’t talk. It felt so helpless and sad to be so far and to know she needed support. Oh the worrying expanded tenfold!

Why doesn’t anyone ever tell you about this. Everyone talks about the drop off and how not to cry at the dorm when saying goodbye (husband cried like a drama queen right out front), how to pack a cooler with sandwiches and water bc you’ll get hungry and hot while setting up her room. Take tape, tools and don’t forget shower shoes! But no one talks about the lonely nights lying awake wondering how she is. She used to be right down the hall. With her dog, her X Box and all cozy in her bed. And now she’s hours away, God knows where and probably having the time of her life lol. I hope she is! This is the hard part. Your heart sings when you think about how much fun she is having and how you wish her college years are the time of her life. But at the same time you wonder, is she remembering to not leave her drink unattended when she’s at a party? Is she always walking in pairs or groups? Does she remember to lock her doors and windows at night? And then one night before going to bed, you glance at Life 360 to see if she’s home yet and she’s at a parking garage. At 1am. And she doesn’t have a car. So who’s she with? A kidnapper??? A guy??? What kind of guy? What if an Uber driver took her there and is holding her hostage tied up in his trunk? The worrying opportunities are endless!!

But then, you look at 360 again later and she’s on the move. Walking out in the open. So she can’t be a hostage or tied up in the trunk of a car. She’s having fun! Whew. You make the sign of the cross and say a prayer. Life 360 isn’t always exact, anyway!

HAVING A COLLEGE KID IS LIKE A CRAZY CORKSCREW ROLLERCOASTER. I have never been so excited for my child but at the same time be so worried. It’s an exercise in letting go. My Mom told me a long time ago that after you have child, right there in the delivery room begins the lesson of letting go. Letting your husband hold your baby, letting the doctor take her out of the room for a check up. And then you strap your 48hr old ball of flesh and blood into a car seat and drive it home. Like out in the open with other cars and people and stuff. And one day, 18 years later, you drive your baby to college with everything they own except the dog and people they love, and you leave them there. And return home without them to an emptier house, an empty room with an unmade bed and all her “leftover things”. The Letting Go never ends. You’d think I’d be good at it by now!

And don’t even try to lecture me about “letting go” of Life 360. I never tell her that I check it but she probably figures I do. It’s just a safety thing for us, I never create conversation around it. Sometimes I forget to check it. Honestly I don’t look that often. Just at 1 or 2 am. To make sure no one has kidnapped her and to see if she’s sound asleep safe and cozy in her lofted bed.