Always the Last to Bed

Some people call it Mom Thoughts. Mommy Delulu. But whatever it is, hear me out. I’m gonna share an idea that I think all wives, SO’s, GF’s, BF’s, MOFO’s and partners will like. Imagine for a moment, a place where husbands go when you can’t stand them anymore. Like when you can’t stand their face or the sound of their voice because the pitch and tone pierce your inner ear. The way they chew is making your eye twitch. Or the sound of their footsteps wearing boots in the living room again is raising blood pressure. You just want them out of sight for a while. Like not forever, but a day or two. Imagine if there could be one place they could all go and you have the power to send them there. That place, my friends, is called HUSBAND ISLAND.

Just a little something I thought up while dreaming about teleporting husbands. And because it’s an Island does not mean it is enjoyable or relaxing. OH, NO. There’s no relaxation going on at Husband Island!

Husband Island is a place where husbands go for improvement, to learn how to be better husbands. And reverse that bad habit…chewing loud, heavy stepping, throwing receipts away, leaving basement lights on, accidentally buying diet sprite instead of regular and for God’s sake NEVER TAKING THE GARBAGE OUT. You know, the sh*t that drives you up a wall.

All you got to do is make a grievance list of sh*t that bothers you, then make a call to Husband Island and give them the list. They do the rest. it’s like every woman’s dream.

It goes down like this. After Husband Island receives your grievance list, your husband gets scheduled into the NINJA CALENDAR and gets assigned a kidnapping night. You heard me right, they’re going to G*d damn kidnap him. He won’t know what hit him, and you won’t know when it will be either, so you’ll both be absolutely SHOCKED and IN AWE when it happens. It’s key to act COMPLETELY SURPRISED. One night, he will fall instantly asleep as soon as his soft brown curls hit his down pillow and he starts Homer Simpson snoring. And WHAM, you’ll be awakened in the middle of the night by three stylish & buff Ninjas who kidnap him and throw him in a black minivan, leaving skid marks in your driveway. Stylish and Buff, because WHY NOT. He will be thinking this is a super sad Dateline story unfolding right before his eyes. But YOU will be back at home smiling and relieved, knowing that this is just the smooth activity of HUSBAND ISLAND and he’s on his way to being punished…err…being a better man.

Once on Husband Island, said husband will be briefed on why he’s there- to Realize what he’s done, Re-Learn the right way and then Redeem himself. As we all know, apology is always a great way to bring closure. Each husband gets a chance to Realize the mistake he made like when he washed your cashmere sweater, or maybe Re-learn how to grocery shop, or properly take the trash out on the correct garbage day, and then Redeem himself by apologizing and then performing the task THE RIGHT WAY (My Way).

Realization is the largest part of the program. We all know what it’s like to try to point out something that our husband did. It’s like talking to a brick wall, and they’re in complete denial. So the Husband Island experts do it for you!

It’s like a woman’s dream come true. Think about it. Husbands everywhere will be trembling in their sweatpants, old tee shirts, Hokas and Crocs thinking that they might be whisked away at any time to Husband Island. They’ll be on edge, knowing we have the power!

Have I thought about this too much? Is there a lot of detail in my idea? Hell yes! But it COULD happen. Maybe someone rich with an extra island lying around will like my idea and create it for us. Wouldn’t that be tremendous. I have more ideas where that came from. Just wait till you hear about Teenager Planet…